24 July 2011

A Bipartisan Letter From Congress to the American People

Dear America,

We know you're watching the debt ceiling debate with growing alarm, and we just wanted to reassure you that we know exactly what we're doing, and everything is going to be OK.

For us.

You, not so much.

You probably think we don't know your credit card interest rates are going to go up to 30% next week when we refuse to pay the bills we rang up invading Iraq, buying crooked banks, stuffing the pockets of CEOs and Union bosses, and throwing enough nickels at the rest of you to make sure you didn't ask too many questions about what was really going on.

You're wrong. We know.

We just don't care.

You probably think we're anguished about the fact that another million of you are going to have your houses repossessed by the bank when mortgage interest rates shoot up like a rocket in August.

Wrong again. It's not like OUR houses are in any danger.

You might even think we're worried that the dollar is going to inflate like Zimbabwean money until you're begging illegal Mexican immigrants to throw you a Peso or two.

Yeah right.

OUR money is already socked away in overseas gold accounts, and besides, we can always get more by throwing a few scraps to a lobbyist or cranking your tax rate up to 90%.

(If we had half a brain, a whole bunch of us would already have called our brokers and shorted T-Bonds; then we'd make out like BANDITS when we finish pushing US debt to junk-bond status! But that would be unethical. And un-American. Just like shirking our constitutional responsibility to ensure that "The Public Debt of the United States... shall not be questioned". Heh. Heh heh.)

What did you just say?

You're going to vote us out?

You cannot be serious.

We KNOW you don't vote. OK, a few of you vote in the general election. But that's the beauty of it: the general election doesn't matter! By the time the general election rolls around, there's nobody left but idiots, weasels, and nuts (oh my)!

You don't vote in primaries, and you're not going to. Only crazy people vote in primaries. Did you think we were STUPID when we stopped choosing our candidates in smoke-filled rooms? WE knew that the only people who would come out for primaries would be hate-filled lefty and righty extremists too chickenshit to become real terrorists and herds of morons our pollsters and fat cats drive to the polls and pay to vote the party line.

That's why everybody here is a pervert like Anthony Weiner, a crook like Charlie Rangel, or a feeble-minded lunatic like Michelle Bachmann. And it's why the only thing we care about is keeping the money hose pointed at the people who fill OUR trough.

So kiss the dollar goodbye, get used to sleeping in a box, and enjoy the Even Greater Depression, America - you're Boehned!

Oh, and one more thing:

See you in November, suckers!